Dear Avengers
by Mycroft R Holmes
Summary: Loki has decided to be a good guy. His first order of business: win the Avengers over. Unfortunately, his attempts at friendship don't seem to go as well as hoped...
1. Chapter 1

Dear Avengers:

It has come to my attention that my actions toward you hitherto have been, perhaps, less than courteous. I desire to remedy this. You will find attached a token of my regards. I believe in the past he has caused some injury to my brother's short female companion by way of removing her musical device. I have taken the liberty of pulling his undergarments over his head, as my research indicates this is a common method of revenge amongst Midgard's youth.

With affection,

Loki

* * *

Dear Loki,

Greetings! I am gladdened that we are once again friends, my brother! Lady Darcy is much pleased by your actions, though the Fury was not. Also, Iron Man, my brother in arms, thanks you for placing his foes of the board in the Great River Hudson. He says that seeing them in the water gave him great joy. He did request, however, that in future you leave their garments on, as he says that the images of them naked could 'potentially jeopardise Stark Industries PR'. I do not understand what this means but he seems to think it important.

With great rejoicing,

Thor Odinson


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Avengers:

In my time in Midgard I have found that in the great realm of united states there is a great reverence for those colours which are in their emblem, that is, red, white, and blue. Your war-leader, the Captain of America, bedizens himself in these colours. As I know he also has a fondness for the city in which he resides, I have decorated it accordingly. The water will henceforth be crimson and I have combined white and a very tasteful shade of blue to adorn the buildings in a pattern I believe is referred to as 'paisley', as I have observed the Captain has an apron in this pattern which he seems to utilise frequently.

Yours ever,

The deity formerly known as Odinson

* * *

Mr. Liesmith,

Though I appreciate your efforts, I preferred New York in its previous coloration. If you would please return it to that state I would be most grateful. Also, though I agree that the Dodgers should be in Brooklyn, they would apparently be happier if you released the magical bindings preventing them from leaving it, as they cannot attend away games.

Thank you,

Cpt. America


	3. Chapter 3

[Warning: a little language in this chapter.]

Dear Avengers:

Iron Man appears highly attached to the manufactured intelligences which he refers to as 'Dummy', 'Butterfingers', and 'You'. I have noted that on various occasions he has treated them as pets; Captain America has also formed a close relationship with Dummy, whom he strokes regularly. Unfortunately, his primitive technology has been unable to provide them with a satisfactory body for this purpose. They are instead rather clumsy single-limbed metal objects which do not feel at all nice to pat. They are also completely incapable of chasing flying discs while salivating on people, which I understand is an important aspect of canine companionship, or of scratching and biting people, which I understand is an important aspect of feline companionship. I have therefore transmogrified their physical aspects into a more suitable form. They are based on a child of mine, and should be fully capable of salivating, biting, and scratching, as well as having fur which is pleasing to the touch. I have given them also multiple heads to facilitate the catching of discs.

Best wishes,

Loki, Trickster God

* * *

Loki, darling:

Give me my fucking robots back.

Love,

Tony Stark, Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Avengers:

I have much admired your Hulk, who possesses incredible strength, and shapeshifts as I do. Sadly, he seems lonely. Though his other form is close to the Iron Man and Hulk has engaged in combat alongside my brother and his other companions, Hulk's tendency to assault his comrades appears to cause some distance between them. Also, as Hulk unfortunately has a somewhat limited intellectual capacity, the only one of the Avengers with whom he could interact on an even level is Thor. I conclude that he requires a companion that can interact with him on equal footing both mentally and physically.

You rejected my previous attempt to provide you with animal companionship, as apparently Iron Man prefers his pets in metal form. I have therefore sent to Hulk one of my grandchildren, Hati, son of Fenrir. He normally chases the moon, but I have arranged for it to rise and set without him. You will have to excuse him if Ragnarok occurs, however, as he is needed to devour the moon.

Yours sincerely,

Loki Manyfather and Somemother

* * *

Mr. Somebadmother:

[This reply has been transcribed by myself, Darcy Lewis, as Bruce was unavailable and Hulk, apparently, can't write. Also Tony was out and no one else was willing to enter the room.]

Hulk like puppy! Puppy bite Hulk! Hulk and puppy SMASH people together!

[This concludes Hulk's comments.]

Appreciatively,

Hulk [Darcy]

* * *

Loki,

Please disregard the letter sent to you by Ms. Lewis. I'm afraid that only one member of your family is welcome among the Avengers at a time. Moon-devouring wolves are not suitable sidekicks for superheroes, even questionable ones like the other guy. Tony has temporarily contained Hati in an underground bunker. I trust you can retrieve him from there.

Bruce Banner

* * *

A/N: This ran a little long. I had trouble coming up with something for Hulk and, like Tony, when I have a problem I throw words at it until it surrenders or I run out of breath, whichever comes last.

Trivia: LoTR fans may be interested to know that Hati, his father Fenrir, and his brother, Skoll, were the original wargs. The Norse word was 'vargr', the Old English translation being 'warg' or 'varg'. Tolkien took the name and used it to refer to his evil wolf-type critters, and the rest is history. Or, well, fiction.


	5. Chapter 5

[Warning: Shakespearean bad words (only as appear in the movie), a bit of carefully worded sexual references]

Dear Avengers:

I have had great difficulty in thinking of a way to make amends to your assassin members. First, I would like to apologise to Black Widow for referring to her as a 'mewling quim' and to Hawkeye for referring to him as a 'poisonous bunch-backed toad'. Just because I can insult people in Shakespearean doesn't mean I should. I am sure that Hawkeye keeps Black Widow fully satisfied and there is no cause for mewling and in my time with Hawkeye it became evident that he is most likely not poisonous, although he is quite lethal.

I am sending to Black Widow a potion which I have found most useful. It allows my hair to remain silky and smooth even when battling in the most dire of conditions.

As Hawkeye has a proclivity for nests, I am gifting him a nest of the Red-tailed Hawk. This nest is nearly three feet wide, so he should find it of sufficient size for his uses.

With regrets,

Loki

* * *

Loki Laufeyson,

We have not been formally introduced. I am Mr. Stark's artificial intelligence JARVIS. As no one else was inclined to write you a reply, Mr. Stark instructed Ms. Potts to do so, and she placed the task upon me.

Ms. Romanov says she already has Pantene, thank you. My tonal analysis indicates sarcasm, but as she does, indeed, possess Pantene, I am unsure of the source.

Mr. Barton expressed disparaging opinions of your gift to him but my cameras show that it has since been transported to his room, and his bed is unslept in.

He requests that you be made aware that he is not a toad, poisonous or otherwise, and he's not quite sure what bunch-backed means but he doesn't think he's that, either.

This concludes this missive.


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry it took so long to write this! I was out of town, and then there was stuff...

* * *

Dear Avengers:

In my travels through Midgard many years ago I came across a wondrous delicacy, popular amongst those peoples now known as Mesoamerican. It is made from a seed which is fermented, dried, cleaned, and roasted. The shell is then removed and ground. When I first encountered this seed it was used to make a rather bitter drink, but I recently found a sample that had been made in solid form. The taste is exquisite, surpassing even the most sumptuous feasts of Asgard. I consumed some fourteen units of it at once. As there can be no foodstuff superior, I have applied a not inconsiderable amount of my powers to the purpose of transmuting all edible items in the Avengers Tower into this spectacular substance.

Cualli tonalli,

Huhuecoyotl

* * *

Loki:

I took a break from heroically saving the day this morning to go hang with the Avengers, and found things in a state I think you're responsible for. Cap, Clint, and Ms. Romanov were trying to pin down Metalhead, who was bouncing off the walls like… well… me, and the Jolly Green Giant, who was just going through them. From your letter and the copious quantities of brown smeared all over everything, I've deduced that it's your fault that a fair segment of Earth's Mightiest Heroes are acting like the puerile fool people tend to call me. Hulk GIGGLED. I'm pretty sure I'm scarred forever. You're henceforth forbidden from giving any superheroes sugar. I've confiscated the supply you already gave them. It should last Johnny and me at least a week. He might burn a bit hot for a while, but I'm sure Ben can handle him.

Courtesy,

Your Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman

* * *

A/N:

"Cualli tonalli" means "good day" in Nahuatl (the language people would have been speaking when/where Loki first encountered chocolate). "Huehuecoyotl" is an Aztec trickster god who has an enormous amount in common with Loki (especially my version of Loki). Check out his Wikipedia page, it's short and interesting. My favorite line is "a great party-giver, [Huehuecoyotl] also was alleged to foment wars between humans to relieve his boredom."


	7. Chapter 7

We depart from our regularly scheduled silliness to give you an extra-long chapter of techno-babble. Next chapter I promise we will return to the goofy with (spoilers!) Hulk and Loki playing dress-up. Well, mostly Loki dresses Hulk, who just sort of... smashes.

* * *

Dear Avengers:

A close friend of mine, Prometheus, specialises in promoting the development of human technology. In my efforts to find a gift for your scientifically inclined members (the Iron Man, the Hulk's alternative form, and That Woman) I consulted him. He was bound to a rock with an eagle consuming his liver at the time and was therefore somewhat incoherent but I believe I understood the important points.

As I fail to comprehend the distinctions mortals make between fields of magic - or science, I believe you term it - I have compiled the answers to questions from a variety of areas in hopes that at least some will be useful to you.

1) Basque is not a language isolate. I fear I may be responsible for its appearance as such, as it happens.

2) P is not equal to NP on a temporally linear system. The question is trivial, however, as any temporally independent computing system resolves the discrepancy.

3) A 'Theory of Everything' is a simple exercise (which I will leave for the reader) when you account for dark matter consisting of thaumic particles.

4) Yes, there are neutral atoms - non-ionic - past atomic number 173; the entire class of thaumic elements exists past this point. The addition of thaumic particles to the nucleus offsets vacuum-breakdown and removes the necessity for electron-positron pairs.

Mjolnir is made of one of these elements, as it happens.

A quick scan shows that your Captain's shield as well as the skeleton of your feral mutant are also composed of thaumic elements. Why is this still a matter of dispute?

5) On the subject of Mjolnir: Iron Man's manufactured intelligences have surmounted most of the difficulties facing most of Midgard's sorcerers. Nevertheless, I assume it has difficulty with such matters as visual object recognition and natural language understanding outside of prescribed situations, 'software brittleness', and 'software decay'. It may help you to examine Mjolnir's intelligence, which has none of these problems and also possesses an ethics protocol.

Hoping this helps,

Loki

* * *

Mr. Odinson:

This is Jane Foster. (As it happens, my name is not That Woman, nor is that a nickname or in fact any sort of form of address which applies to me. You may refer to me as Dr. Foster or if you insist on being all Asgardian about it, either Jane Foster or Lady Jane.)

I am replying for all of us 'scientifically inclined' people. Bruce and Tony both refuse to write to you again, particularly at the moment as they found your help rather unhelpful.

1) I'm assuming this is a linguistics thing? None of us know what it means, or why it's important.

2) Tony says: "I have to invent time-travelling computers now? Really? Why am I the only person on this planet that actually does any work? Reed Richards thinks he's so smart, make him do it." Bruce tells me that it's not really his area, but that an explanation or proof would be helpful. Apparently one isn't allowed to answer a Millennium Problem by writing 'Y/(N)'.

3) Okay, now we're at something I know more about. Look, the theory of everything is not a simple exercise. No. Thaumic particles? What is a thaumic particle? How does a particle make relativity and quantum mechanics work together? Where does dark matter come into it? To be honest, I think you're just techno-babbling at me to be annoying. Thor insists you're trying to be helpful but he also thought that the subway was a dragon and tried to slay it so I'm not sure how much that means.

4) Again with the thaumic particles. They're in atoms now? I thought they were dark matter?

I'm assuming you're referring to vibranium and adamantium. Scientists haven't been able to get hold of any of it for analysis as every time a little bit of it turns up the stupid government snatches it for super-soldier experiments because of course ruining people's lives and creating living weapons is so much more important than understanding the fundamental laws of nature which

5) This is Tony's field again. He says thanks a lot, Mjolnir fried every electronic device in the lab when he tried to look at her code. He eventually, with JARVIS's help, got it copied down, though he had to get it on hardcopy as whenever it was in any sort of digital system, even as an image, it did virusy things and it melted a flash drive. Even Tony admits he has no idea how that's possible. Anyway, he's been looking at it on paper and grouching constantly because he doesn't _like _paper (he says that when the forests are all cut down and we die from lack of oxygen he's blaming you) but it seems it is not only in a programming language that doesn't exist on earth, it's using an alphabet that doesn't exist on earth. And he thinks you might be using some sort of trinary computing, instead of binary. I'm gathering all this from what he shouts at Steve when he tries to get him out of the lab.

- Dr. Jane Foster, Ph.D.

P.S. As of the sending of this letter, Tony and Steve are no longer on speaking terms. Tony says he blames you for that as well as the forest thing.

* * *

A/N: Prometheus was a Greek trickster god famous for bringing fire to humanity. The gods took issue and tied him to a rock with an eagle that came to eat his liver once a day (since he's immortal, it grew back during the night). Loki was a trickster god who was tied to a rock with a snake dripping poison in his eyes (which grew back, because of the immortality). So I figure they'd have a lot to talk about.

A/N2: So there's a lot of techno-babble here. I'm going to give really quick explanations of it in case anyone's interested.

1) Basque. A language isolate is a language which doesn't seem to belong to any language family. (A language family is a group of related languages – like French, Spanish, and Latin.) Basque seems to be a language isolate, though people are constantly insisting it's related to this-that-or-the-other.

2) P vs. NP. Basically, this asks whether a computer can solve all of a set of problems (NP). If P does not equal NP, then the computer can't (unless, as Loki suggests, one doesn't require time to necessarily proceed in a forward direction).

3) A theory of everything is a theory that bring all the natural forces together in one explanation. Theoretically, it would enable you to know the result of any experiment before it was actually attempted, though the sense in which Loki and Jane are using it is somewhat more limited. They just want to explain gravitation and the electronuclear force (this includes electricity, magnetism, and the strong and weak nuclear forces) in one theory.

Dark matter is estimated to be 84% of the total mass of the universe. No one knows what it is. It can't be observed in any way; we only think it's there because of its effects on other things.

Thaumic particles are shamelessly stolen from Terry Pratchett. They're basically the smallest possible units of magic. (Meaning Loki is saying that the answer to all science is 'because magic'.)

4) The periodic table only holds elements up to atomic number 118, but it's thought that they could keep going past that up to about 173. At 173 you can still make your nucleus bigger but sh*t goes down and your electrons start flying off leaving you with ions. As far as we can tell, no atoms can (probably) exist past 173 and have a neutral charge. (Loki of course says that they can, because magic.)

5) The AI in Iron Man is actually possibly the most futuristic part of the sci-fi, though it's not as flashy as the repulsors and the holograms. Still, we only see JARVIS and the helper bots in situations that Tony had prepared them for. The primary problem AI has is that even when it can do impressive things in really specific situations it can't _adapt_. If you change the situation slightly it loses all of its abilities. Object recognition (telling what things are by looking at them) and natural language recognition (telling what people mean when they talk, even if they use slang, metaphors, etc.) are two of the primary problems AIs face. Software brittleness is the general term for the difficulty software has with adapting. Software decay is the tendency software has to rapidly become obsolete and then non-functional, no matter how good it was to start with.

So yeah. That was my 'quick' explanation. If you got this far, congratulations. I checked out 300 words ago, myself :)


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Avengers:

I noted when you battled recently with Victor that the Hulk has occasional… I believe they are colloquially referred to as 'wardrobe malfunctions'? As most of the dominant cultures on Midgard disapprove of nudity, I assume this troubles Dr. Banner. Since I am readily capable of ensuring that he remains clothed when he changes form - either by vanishing one set of clothes and replacing it with another, or by creating clothing with high elasticity - I would like to volunteer my services as a style consultant.

I imagine that Hulk would not appreciate being teleported to my location and having outfits tried upon him, so I have selected a battle costume for him. It will appear when he transforms and be replaced by his normal clothing when he returns to his smaller form. The costume was inspired by a Midgardian film which I understand provides an example of heroism. It is my hope that the association will cause the Hulk's detractors to perceive him more favourably.

Fond regards,

Loki, Maker of Mischief (and High Fashion)

* * *

My dearest brother,

You, also, are a fanatical follower of the great Bat Man? It brightens my soul to find another interest that we share. Are you acquainted also with the printed visual novels? Iron Man has provided me with a selection. The Iron Man and the Bat Man remind me greatly of each other.

Alas, it seems that the attire you provided, though most fabulous - I do not recall the cloak normally bearing quite so many colors? - has not met favour with my fellow Avengers. The Hulk was alarmed by its appearance and dealt much damage to the Central Park and Iron Man tells me that a Right of Copy has been assaulted. Hawkeye has rejected his usual costume and donned one of Lincoln green and appears to be attempting to grow facial hair similar to that of Tony, but I am not sure if this is related. He also endeavours to convince the Lady Natasha to either dress herself in a cowl and cape or to sit in a wheelchair. She is not amenable to either suggestion.

Perhaps you may come to the Tower and test other clothing? I mentioned this possibility to Iron Man and he laughed most heartily. I am unsure whether this indicated approval.

Love,

Thor


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Avengers,

None of my attempts to provide you aid or amusement have been met with a positive reception. I have tried to exert all my talents to satisfy you. The only talent that found any appreciation is, perhaps, my greatest: my gift for mayhem and madness. (You will recall that my first effort involved defenestrating the members of Iron Man's Directive Board and exacting revenge upon the member of SHIELD who appropriated the Lady Darcy's musical device, for both of which activities I received some limited gratitude.)

All of Midgard's pathetic 'villains' that I could find have been delivered to your threshold. I have temporarily taken their minds. I reserved only Victor von Doom, as he amuses me.

Yours,

Lokke Lejemand

* * *

Dear Sir or Madam,

You couldn't have restrained them, or knocked them out, or done anything other than PUTTING EVERY FUCKING VILLAIN ON THE PLANET IN THE MIDDLE OF NEW YORK AFTER DRIVING THEM INSANE?

At least insane they didn't care so much about killing people and stealing things as about the pretty lights. We got help pretty quickly, casualties minimal, death toll nonexistent though there is one villain missing. Last seen wearing a purple bucket as a helmet and trying to conduct an invisible orchestra using the top half of the Empire State Building as a baton.

Sorry, gotta go - the city is getting rebuilt… again… as EVERY SUPERHERO OR SUPERVILLAIN ANYWHERE USED IT AS A FUCKING BATTLEGROUND. Or a weapon, in some cases.

We are going to end you. I am going to perforate you, and then we are going to let Hulk tear you apart. You think you can pull this shit?

Up yours,

Clint Barton

* * *

Dear Avengers:

I do what I want.

Loki

A/N: Lokke Lejemand is Loki's name in Zealand. 'Lejemand' means 'Playing Man'.


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Avengers,

I find your extended silence somewhat impolite. Though I appreciate that delivering bilgesnipe to you for your Feast of Giving of Thanks was perhaps ill-considered and, in hindsight, the festive explosive devices for the New Year should mayhap have been detonated out of doors, I believe my decoration of your Tower for your midwinter festival was somewhat inspired. I can hardly be held responsible for the ornaments falling and rolling about the streets; it was your Giant Man who thought it wise to attempt to juggle them. There were no casualties, regardless.

Be that as it may, I will make one last attempt to bring you 'holiday cheer'. I am told that Hawkeye's grievances in regards to me are disproportionate to the reparations I have thus far made to him, and I have therefore focused my attentions for this holiday upon him.

Enjoy,

Loki, Sibling to the God of Fertility

P.S. Have fun explaining that title to these uptight mortals, Thor.

* * *

This does not count as 'reparations'. When Barton tries to use a grappling arrow, he needs it to work. Leave him alone. Leave us alone. You seem more or less harmless at this point. If you stop bothering us, we can declare a truce. Continue to mess about and we will have to take action.

Black Widow

* * *

Loki -

Don't listen to her. I would put up with a hundred Indiana Jones scenes (the ornaments didn't have to be that big - compensating, all I'm saying, does it give you a complex to be human-sized when you're supposed to be a giant?) to watch Magneto serenading Baldy. And Doom delivering the biggest bouquet this side of the Bifrost to the Baxter Building 'on behalf of the grateful nation of Latveria'. You did steal my idea, I first referred to our dear archer as 'Cupid' two years ago. But I'll accept it as the sincerest form of flattery and just ask you to send over a bottle of whatever mojo you put on those arrows, I have got to try that. I'll never eat an oyster again after this. Aphrodisiac, my perfectly-formed ass.

- Tony


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Avengers,

In your last letter to me Lord Anthony made reference to the Midgardian aphorism 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery'. As I do, sincerely, wish to convey all possible adulation, I am endeavouring to form my own heroic group in your honour. I have thus far recruited the children of that histrionic braggart, Magneto - a speedster and a most talented witch whom I am considering taking as my protege. I am in discussions with another young witch, Billy Kaplan, and your friend Spiderman, with whom I first came in contact through these very letters.

In admiration,  
Loki of the New Avengers

* * *

DAMN IT TONY.

Mr. Laufeyson:

Corrupting the youth of this community is utterly unacceptable. Spiderman is now residing at Avengers Tower and has been instructed not to exit it in costume without supervision and explicit permission. Do not contact Mr. Kaplan further; I have already spoken to his parents. As to Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch, I cannot personally control your actions with regards to them or their actions with regards to you, and I suspect conversation with Mr. Lehnsherr would be unproductive. However, please be informed that any actions undertaken by the three of you in concert shall be considered at minimum Conspiracy with Intent to Engage in Villainous Activity.

I apologise for my brevity, I have been informed that Spiderman is attempting to exit the building through one of the 54th floor windows. No lab time for him for the next week…

Trusting you will comply,  
Cpt. America

* * *

Note: if anyone has suggestions/requests/ideas for chapters, I would love to hear them!


End file.
